Flooded with Books
Flooded with Books
Every Friday from 2:00 to 5:00, I need to lie down, close my eyes, and hopefully sleep until the hours pass. These three short hours are the time it took for my 14-year-old son’s school to call and tell me there was an “incident” at school, for me to pick him up, for him to complete suicide, and for me to witness it. Thank goodness for the body’s defense system. Fight, flight or freeze. I froze, hyperventilating and going into shock. I stayed in the shock state for several months, not wanting to move into the grief state.
My neighbor reached out to a mental health crisis team. A woman showed up two days after the event to sit with our family on our porch and help us navigate the complete unknown. She was and still is a true blessing.
Neighbors, people in the community, friends and family stepped in to be there for us. They brought us food and comfort. It was great but overwhelming. Then it stopped. So many people avoided us, not knowing what to say, so they said nothing. We felt isolated and alone.
Then the books started arriving. Read this grief book. Read this poetry book. Read this spiritual book. Sure, books are helpful and enlightening, but we needed more.
“Understanding the why” was a big topic for us. Why did this happen? Because life is not fair, and we really aren’t in control. Anger, guilt and blame were very strong emotions we were experiencing, and we need to discover acceptance and forgiveness.
We were put in contact with another family who recently lost their child to suicide. They were friends with another couple that lost their child as well. We hesitantly met, not knowing what to say to each other. But the compassion rolled, and we easily connected.
It was through this meeting that I was introduced to EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). I found a trauma therapist who works with me, performing EMDR, and allowing me to navigate and share my horrible experience. She explained to me how the brain works and offered many suggestions on how to calm my central nervous system. She introduced me to self-care, including salt caves, sound baths, reiki, float tanks, guided meditation and journaling. Each of these activities helped bring me to a state of peace, allowing my body and mind to recover from the shock and trauma. They helped me realize that I was no longer in danger and could relax. My spiritual well-being began to grow.
As time goes on and my journey continues, I am realizing that I cannot let fear hold me back. I need to move forward with love in my heart and manifest positive thoughts for a better future. I plan to share my story with others, teach compassion to our kids, be present for those around me and now remember why it is important to live.
